


The Boy Who Taught Me How to Live

by with_meraki



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - School, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Character Development, Character Study, Coming of Age, Depression, Diary/Journal, Family, First Love, He's a good boi, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Recovery, Romance, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Serious Injuries, Therapy, Time Skips, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, i'm so sorry I made jungwoo sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-05-16 10:43:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 7,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19316566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/with_meraki/pseuds/with_meraki
Summary: December 25, 2018 - Jungwoo writes:Merry Christmas.I want to die.Lucas: Greek, Latin origin. Means "bringer of light," "bright," or "shining"[alternatively: the au in which jungwoo is a depressed teen with a diary and lucas is a ray of sunshine that unexpectedly comes into his life]





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: major angst up ahead

**December 25, 2018**

Merry Christmas.

I want to die.

 

**December 26, 2018**

That was a lie. I don’t really want to die. But I don’t really want to live, either.

 

**December 28, 2018**

It’s been 3 days since Christmas. The decorations are already coming down.

For some reason, every time the holiday season rolls around I feel even gloomier than usual. Maybe it’s all the smiling people, the obligation to paste on a jolly demeanor, or maybe it’s just the weather. But I find it impossible to celebrate like everyone else.

 

**January 1, 2019**

It’s New Years today. My resolution is to be happy. Easier said than done.

A lot of people ask why. Why can’t I just think positive, be more grateful, excrete rainbows and unicorns?

Quite frankly, it pisses me off. To me, happiness has always been a chore. Others get it as a gift, I have to work at it. Do they have any idea how soul-sucking it is to constantly be forcing a smile?

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you need help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)
> 
> I'm a newbie author--feedback is much appreciated :)  
> I'll do my best to update this fic daily, so stay tuned!


	2. Chapter 2

**January 12, 2019**

Sorry. I got this journal for Christmas, but then just...forgot about it for a while.

Something interesting happened today. I saw a man on a bridge today, from my view inside a taxi. He had his shoes off and was staring at the water. For a while there, I was convinced that he was about to jump. But he didn’t. Instead, he bent down, took his shoes in one hand and walked away barefoot.

No one stopped him, not even when he started to lift one foot over the side of the railing. They were all inside their cars; there was no time to spare a glance out the window. They all had places to be.

 

 **January 14, 2019**  

School started again after winter break ended today. So now my schedule looks something like this: 

6:30 AM - 7:00 AM — Wake up/get ready

7:00 AM - 7:30 AM — Take the bus

7:45 AM - 3:00 PM — School

3:10 PM - 5:00 PM — Extracurriculars

5:15 PM - 6:30 PM — Tutoring

6:30 PM - 6:50 PM — Dinner

7:00 PM - 9:00 PM — Schoolwork

9:00 PM - 11:00 PM — Self-study

11:00 PM - 12:00 AM — Breakdown

?? AM - 6:30 AM — Sleep 

Fun.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you need help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mention of attempted suicide

**January 16, 2019**

I did bad today.

 

**January 25, 2019**

I’m sorry. I fell into one of my “slumps” again. That’s code for can’t-move-can’t-eat-can’t-do-anything days, or weeks. When I’m in a slump, even lifting a pen to word-vomit my feelings on a page is too much to handle. 

My mother says I got it from my dad’s side. I don’t know much about my dad, much less his family members, but I do know through whispered conversations over family reunions that a couple of years back, I had an uncle who wound up in some kind of mental facility (or, as my aunt put it, a “loony bin”).

They say that he got drunk and drove straight into a tree. On purpose.

I don’t want to go to the loony bin. But my uncle’s method doesn’t seem like such a bad way to go. If I could drive, that is.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you need help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we finally see Lucas enter the story...  
> \--I drew inspiration for the first diary entry from RM's ["Forever Rain"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cvb76hBX_Oc)

**January 28, 2019**

This weird mixture of rain and sleet is falling outside. Everyone complains about being cold, but I kind of like it. On days like this, I can mind my own business from inside my umbrella, and no one will look at me; they’re all rushing to get indoors. On days like this, I take my time walking.

 

**January 29, 2019**

Today was a rare kind of day. Not too good, not too bad.

I met someone today while waiting for the bus to come under the bus stop, out of the rain. He said that sometimes, he fell into slumps too. He said, “we’re alike, you and I.” His name is Lucas. He’s one year older than me. I told him my name, Jungwoo, and he kept on repeating it until he got the pronunciation right.

Today wasn’t bad at all.

 

****

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you need help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Implied/mentioned child abuse, self-degradation

**January 31, 2019**

I don’t really have any friends at school, except maybe Lucas now, but he doesn’t count because he’s not even in my grade.

Other people my age know things. They know exactly which friends to make to become more popular, how to laugh like they really mean it, how to make people like them.

The second I open my mouth, they know I’m not one of them. I’m nobody.

I’m a screwed-up excuse for a human being that can’t even feel happiness anymore.

 

**February 3, 2019**

Lucas says not to say those kinds of things about myself. We’ve been spending more time together at lunch these days, especially because he’s a special kind of boy that likes poems and prefers reading over kicking around a ball, and my situation has already been spoken for.

He says that I should act more confident in myself, even if I don’t necessarily feel like it. He tells me that the parts of my face that I hate (slanted almond eyes, thin nose, wide-set jaw) are beautiful. He insists that I love myself.

He’s one to talk, though. Sometimes, I see hints of bruises all over his body. He tells me it’s from falling down the stairs, but I’m not so sure.

I act as if I believe him, though. I don’t want to think about what it means if he’s lying.

****

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline/)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: implied/mentioned child abuse  
> \--also lowkey toxic asian parenting

**February 4, 2019**

If Lucas  _is_ lying about his bruises, I think they might be from his dad. His dad pulls up in a black van to the school parking lot sometimes, and whenever that happens Lucas’s face goes white and he runs off, mumbling under his breath that he needs to go.

I guess in some ways, I’m lucky I don’t have a dad. I have a mom, but she’s only ever around to check on my studies (she’s always working). If I’m doing well, she pats me on the head and tells me to eat more. If I’m not doing well, she purses her lips and tells the housemaid not to give me dinner (not that I mind, I’m rarely hungry).

She’s someone who demands perfection and just doesn’t get why others can’t meet her expectations. My grandmother asks me to understand her because that’s how my grandfather treated my mother. It’s the Asian way, I guess.

I’ve gotten used to it. Forgotten birthdays, cold meals, the rumbling sound of the car pulling up into the driveway at 3 AM. Apologetic envelopes filled with cash. The promises to do better.

She never keeps them. But I’m used to it now. Really.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: unhealthy coping mechanisms, alluded child abuse
> 
> tl;dr this chapter is the beginning of Jungwoo coming down with a horrible case of pining...

**February 5, 2019**

I feel anxious, and I don’t know why.

 

**February 6, 2019**

Lucas asked me if I was ok. I guess I must have looked as sick as I felt.

I don’t know why, but I was so grateful to have someone notice that I started crying, and wouldn’t stop crying until he hurriedly ran to the bathroom and came back with a napkin that he awkwardly thrust into my chest.

He asked if I’ve been eating lately, to which I gave a noncommittal answer, and I asked him about the fresh purple bruises around his knees, to which he said it was nothing.

But I felt better about it just the same.

 

**February 8, 2019**

Lucas’s hair is really soft. He let me run my fingers through it today, and it felt like one of my mother's fur coats. It’s golden and catches the light. He says that someone he knows dyed it for him. My hair is pitch black and falls in straight cascading lines like a limp mop.

And his smile, which seems almost too big for his face, is dazzling, positively blinding. It makes me forget, for a moment, about all my problems.

Everything about him reminds me of the sun.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: self-destructive tendencies  
> \--jungwoo is a wee bit jealous  
> \--fun fact the name "lucy" also means light

**February 9, 2019**

One of the girls in my classes who’s always reapplying her lip gloss stopped and talked to me after school today. She asked if Lucas was dating anyone and why I was always hanging around him. And if he wasn’t, if she could date him instead.

I felt this weird curdling in my stomach and didn’t really know what to say.

After a few seconds of awkward silence, she scoffed and turned to walk away.

“You can have him,” I bit out at her retreating backside. I had no idea where that came from, but she turned back around and gave me a blinding smile.

“Great! I’m Lucy, by the way,” she said, twirling a blonde lock of hair around and around her pointer finger. “You’re always so quiet, I didn’t know you could even talk. Anyway, see ya!” And she skipped away, linking arms with a girl in front of us.

I was in a foul mood for the rest of the day.

 

**February 10, 2019**

I eat alone at lunch now.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: homophobic language  
> \--lucy is a little turd

**February 14, 2019**

I got a valentine today, for the first time in my life. It was from Lucas and said “Happy Valentines’ Day. I don’t know what I did, but please stop avoiding me. I miss you.”

Lucy saw the TA hand it to me and got this really ugly look on her face. She passed a note to me in class telling me to meet her behind the school building after school that day.

“I thought you said I could have him,” she hissed, slightly stomping her foot in annoyance.

I was confused. Hadn’t I already removed myself from the situation? “You still can,” I replied evenly, trying to hide the anger bubbling up under the surface. The whole reason I was avoiding him was because of her, so I could keep out of their way!

“I’ve seen the way you look at him,” Lucy spit out with vile behind her words. “My father says people like you aren’t even real men.”

My blood turned cold. “What are you talking about?”

Her lips seemed to be moving in slow motion. “Do you really not know what people say about you two? Always hanging around each other, never playing ball with the rest of the boys. Always writing in that stupid journal of yours. What do you write about in there, anyway?”

I clutched the journal closer to my chest instinctively, seeing her eyes dart to look at it. She made a grab for it, but I pulled back. A few pages ripped out, fluttering to the floor.

She picked one up and started to read out loud. “Lucas’s hair is really soft. He let me run my fingers through it—”

“Give that back!” I screeched and fell on her trying to wrestle it out of her grip. She stepped back, seemingly surprised at my strength. Balling the page up into a ball, she threw it at my feet. “Faggot,” she uttered with pure loathing in her voice before walking away, leaving me to desperately try and catch the rest of the pages flying away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof I'm sorry I love angst too much

**February 15, 2019**

Do I...like...Lucas?

 

**February 16, 2019**

I like Lucas. I really, really, really like Lucas.

 

**February 17, 2019**

But I can’t. Because he’s too bright for me to look at, because I’m a gloomy little thing in my black hoodies with ugly slanted eyes, because Lucy likes him, too, and she looks so much better with him than me, with her strawberry-scented lip gloss and unmistakably feminine features. Because I’m a boy, and so is Lucas, and I’ll be looked at with disgust from others because of that simple fact. Like Lucy.  _ Faggot. _

Because sometimes, I see traces of cracks running so deeply behind Lucas’s smile that I don’t even know where to begin to try and fix it. Because I’m in no position to fix anyone myself.

Yeah. I was stupid to expect anything, anyway. People like me don’t get to have crushes.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: worsening mental health, suicidal thoughts

**February 25, 2019**

My slumps are really bad these days, sometimes lasting weeks on end. I can’t remember the last time I ate until I was full. Even my mother, who wouldn’t notice if I jumped out the window onto the roof of the nearest car, asked me about my baggy jeans and bloodshot eyes. 

She only cares because recently I’ve seen a decline in my studies. I saw the questions on the test today and wanted to just rip it up into tiny pieces and let the wind blow them away.

Eating is hard. Sleeping is hard. Thinking is hard. 

I’m always anxious, for no good reason.

Day by day, the loony bin seems like a more and more attractive option.

 

**March 1, 2019**

Merry March. The weather is some abhorrent concoction of fog and muck. But I still like it better than when it’s sunny. That’s when I feel really sad.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7egFhuObEo

**March 2, 2019**

My heart is beating so quickly, I can barely write. 

Today was another rainy day, and that was fine by me until I realized that I had forgotten to bring my umbrella to school. So I was standing on the steps of the school building, fully prepared to make a run for it to the nearest bus stop, but that’s when Lucas appeared, holding out an umbrella with his outstretched arm.

It was awkward. Very awkward. But he gave me a crooked smile and told me not to get my hair wet or else I’d catch a cold, like I hadn’t been avoiding him for the past month.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I took the umbrella. He gave me that lopsided smile again and turned to walk away. “But...what about you?” I asked.

He stilled. Slowly, he turned back around, all traces of mirth wiped from his face. “Why have you been avoiding me?” he asked quietly, with a serious look in his eyes. “I had no one to talk to for these past few weeks. And you look like nothing more than skin and bones.”

I had nothing to say for myself, so I handed the umbrella back to him. “I’m sorry,” I said, and that was that. He took the umbrella in his hand and told me that we could use it together.

So we did. I had always been tall, lanky even, but he was taller, his shoulders broader. For the first time in my life, I understood what people meant when they said they had butterflies. The feeling of sharing an umbrella with him, the close proximity, the smell of rain, the way that his right shoulder got wet from the rain as he walked me to the bus station—I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget it. It was like time had stopped for one brief, magical moment. Just for us.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of child abuse, unhealthy coping mechanisms  
> \--jungwoo being dumb and avoiding all his problems

**March 18, 2019**

Things are better now, I guess. Lucas and I are eating together again, despite Lucy’s glares and the malicious whispers I hear from her friends. Or, it’s more like he tries to get me to share his lunch with him and I refuse, preferring to watch him eat instead. I’m never hungry anymore.

We’ve reached a kind of unspoken compromise. He doesn’t try to get me to eat anymore, doesn’t ask about my bloodshot eyes, and I pretend not to see the bruises under his collar.

He has no idea how I feel about him. I intend to keep it that way.

 

**March 28, 2019**

Sometimes, I want to be greedy. I want him to know how much he means to me.

But one look in the mirror brings me back to reality. I’m unlovable, and the wrong gender. Someone like Lucas, even with all his flaws, is too good for me.

So it’s enough just to watch him from afar, breathe in the same air as him, force my lip corners up whenever I see him smile because it keeps him happy.

It’s enough. It has to be enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anger and irritability is a lesser-known symptom of depression

**April 10, 2019**

The teacher handed back the tests today, with a note on mine telling me to see her after class. She took off her glasses and gave me a stern look, requiring me to “get it signed by my parent or guardian and bring it back by tomorrow.”

Something about my face must have made her take pity on me because her gaze softened and she asked me if everything was ok. She urged, “isn’t it hard not having a dad at home?”

I felt the blood rushing to my ears. I saw red. I crushed the test paper under my foot and ran away, hearing her call my name behind me.

Now that I think about it, she was probably only trying to help. But it’s been so long since I felt anything other than apathy, and I don’t want to let go of the feeling just yet. I’m so tired of the same old emptiness. I want to stay angry.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [i just did a bad thing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2yPnnDfqpw)   
> 

**April 12, 2019**

I’m a terrible person. I fought with Lucas today, and it was all my fault. The anger I had been harboring over that one meeting with my teacher just snowballed.

He was talking about some boy in his class who invited him to go bowling and was wondering if he should go. If his father would let him.

I wanted to tell him not to go, but I couldn’t. I had no right to.

So instead, I picked a fight with him over not telling the truth about where he got that bruise on his leg and wasn’t satisfied until I saw his wide eyes fill with tears.

He apologized. To me.

I felt like I’d been rained on, pooped on, stepped on, then run over by a truck.

But I deserve it, for hurting him. I never want to see him cry again. For his good, I have to stay away. I’ll only make it worse, the pain. It’s bad enough without me.

 

**April 15, 2019**

I went crawling back to him after just 3 days, because that’s who I am, and he accepted my halfhearted apology with a genuine smile because that’s who he is.

I’m pathetic, I know. But I can’t help it.

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: child abuse, alcohol, implied/referenced violence  
> \--i'm sorry

**April 20, 2019**

The weather’s been warmer lately, and Lucas has been quieter.

I think it has something to do with the yellowing patches of bruised skin all over his body, or maybe the fact that his clothes look like they haven’t been washed in days.

I want to ask him if everything is ok at home like my teacher did to me, but I’m scared. Scared of what the answer might be.

 

**April 25, 2019**

Lucas hasn’t shown up to school for the past 3 days. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried.

 

**April 30, 2019**

It’s gotten to the point where the teacher, who’s been tiptoeing around me ever since the incident, sought me out after class and asked if I knew if Lucas had gone somewhere, or if he was sick. She thought I would know since I spent so much time with him.

I was ashamed when I told her that I had no idea.

 

**May 2, 2019**

Lucas is in the hospital. They say his father got drunk and came home with a bat.

His neighbor found him out on his family’s front lawn, barely conscious.

They say he’s hurt. Real bad.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: descriptions of injuries

**May 3, 2019**

I haven’t been able to sleep a wink.

I should have known. The bruises, the neglect, the worn-out clothes, the clumsy lunches that were clearly packed by a pre-teen. I shouldn’t have ignored all the signs.

Oh my god. This is all my fault.

I need to find a way to see him, somehow. I need to know that he’s ok.

 

**May 4, 2019**

Today was a long day.

I decided to forgo my piano lesson to go see him. My palms were sweaty as I pulled open the sliding door to his patient ward, holding a bouquet of flowers in my hand that I had carefully picked out at the store (as if he had any use for them).

He was lying in bed, sleeping, and I held my breath as I drew closer. The moment I saw his beautiful face, all bruised and covered in bandages, my heart dropped to the floor. I ran out of the room as fast as I could, flowers left scattered on the floor of the hospital.

That wasn’t my Lucas. My Lucas was always smiling, even if he had no real reason to be. My Lucas was quick to laugh, even quicker to forgive. My Lucas was a little broken, a little bruised, but always carried sunshine with him wherever he went. My beacon of light, of hope. My conundrum.

That boy lying in the hospital bed was so small, so scarred, so broken. He wasn’t  _ my  _ Lucas. He couldn’t be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for actually reading this mess

**May 4, 2019 (cont.)**

I put my head down, hugging my knees outside in the hallway, and that’s how Lucy found me. Curling up in a ball, sniveling with a single flower petal still being gripped in my fist.

I must’ve been trembling because it took a couple of tries before I even registered that someone was tapping my shoulder.

I looked up and saw Lucy’s face, her lips chapped, with a pallid complexion. Without makeup, she appeared younger and less sharp. She looked like she hadn’t been getting much sleep, either.

I blinked up at her, and she cleared her throat. “Are you...ok?” she asked, handing over the flowers that I had dropped at the door.

I took the flowers, and I took her other hand helping me to stand up. Standing face-to-face with her, I realized that I must have grown. She had to crane her neck just to lock eyes with me.

She was the first to look away. Scuffing her toe on the ground, she ducked her head and mumbled an apology under her breath.

But I wasn’t ready to forgive her just yet. “Sorry for what?” I asked, wanting her to squirm for just a little longer.

She looked back up at me, and I was taken aback to see her bottom lip trembling, her chin contorting with the effort of holding back her tears. “I’m sorry for calling you names, and for reading your journal without your permission. My older brother recently came out as bisexual, and it’s been...well, it’s been bad. My dad doesn’t really...approve. I think I was projecting my own issues at home onto you, and I’m just—really sorry. I was stupid.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy character development

**May 4, 2019 (cont.)**

For a moment, I was silent. I hadn’t expected that. I could hold it over her head, dangle my apology before her eyes and guilt trip her for the rest of her life. But Lucas’s smiling face came to mind, and I knew he wouldn’t want that, no matter how much she had hurt me.

So I straightened my back, keeping my chin up, and thrust out my right hand.

She looked at me with wet eyes, clearly confused until she realized that I was offering a handshake. She scrambled to place her hand in mine, and we moved our hands up and down.

I kept my eye contact with her and said, “Apology accepted. I hope your brother gets the support he needs from you at home,” to which she nodded fervently.

“Let’s go see Lucas together, yeah?” I suggested, and we walked back into the room together, still hand-in-hand. 

Seeing his face still knocked the breath out of me the second time around, but I managed to breathe evenly through my nose as Lucy gently squeezed my hand.

We left the bouquet next to the rest of the get-well-soon cards and baskets and it wasn’t until her father came to the room, a stern, weary-looking man, that we let go of one another.

As I waved goodbye to Lucy, watching her walk just a step behind her dad’s towering frame, I felt the last of my bitterness and resentment leave my body. All I wanted, now, was for Lucy’s family to find their happy ending.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	20. Chapter 20

**May 5, 2019**

That day, I plopped down into a chair, completely exhausted, and turned back to look at Lucas.

He looked like a fallen angel, just lying there. The high bridge of his nose, his deep-set eyes, his handsome face marred by bruises and cuts. I felt the sudden urge to trace his delicate features with my finger, but he was sleeping so peacefully, I didn’t dare wake him up. 

“I wish I had told you how I felt,” I whispered to him in the empty ward, the only other noises being the steady sound of his breathing and the soft beeping of a machine.

We were completely alone, just him and I. And if I shed a tear or two that day, looking at his frail body in the hospital bed, no one was the wiser.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhh who are the people reading this I want to give you all a gigantic hug <33

**May 6, 2019**

My mother yelled at me when I got home, probably because I hadn’t gone home at all. I had crashed in a nearby motel the day before, too exhausted to drag myself home and explain where I had been. If I’m being honest, I didn’t think she’d notice.

For some reason, while she was fiercely scolding me in rapid-fire Korean, a faint memory came to mind. I was 6 years old and had been playing outside without a care in the world before I fell down and scraped my knee. When my mother found me, sobbing and holding my leg, she didn’t comfort me like I thought she would. Instead, she rebuked me sharply for not being careful enough and left in a huff.

I had cried bitter tears of confusion and betrayal until my grandmother, who had lived with us until I was 8, found me and brought me inside. She sat me down, tending to my wounds, and explained that my mother wasn’t angry, she was worried. She just didn’t know how to show it. 

All of a sudden, I had an overwhelming urge to hug my mother. So I did.

She was shocked into being stiff and silent for a few blissful moments before pushing me off of her and glaring at me. I was surprised to see that my mother, too, now had to look up to see me. “What you smiling for? You crazy?” she asked pointedly in her broken English.

I realized with a start that I was in fact smiling, so overcome with love for her at that moment. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> appreciate your parents y'all

**May 6, 2019 (cont.)**

“Eomma…” I whined, wrapping my arms tight around her again, shocked that I could rest my chin on the top of her head. When had she gotten so small and slight? And were those...white hairs I saw?

My mother softened in my grip and pulled back a little to look at me. “Is something wrong?” she asked, this time in Korean. My eyes started tearing up of their own volition, and I felt a sharp stinging at the back of my throat, what was sure to be the beginning of waterworks.

My mother, who worked day and night to provide for me. To prove to our judgemental relatives that our little family unit didn’t need a good-for-nothing husband anyway. My mother, who learned to love from her father, a man incapable of showing affection. And his daughter, who heard “study hard” instead of “I love you” and “good, do better next time” instead of “I’m proud of you” her entire youth.

My mother, who did her best in everything and expected her children to do the same. Who never even entertained the notion of wanting to die, spending her whole life rushing forward at a grueling pace in order to live. My mother, the strongest person I knew. 

My mother, who was aging by the day.

How many of those white hairs and fine wrinkles she tried so hard to hide were my doing?

She saw me crying and wiped at my face with her sleeve. “Tell me. Tell me what’s wrong,” she told me. So I did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: past suicidal thoughts, self-hatred

**May 6, 2019**

Everything. About Lucas, about my failed test, about my slumps that weren’t really slumps at all but rather the same kind of sick that my uncle had been. About how I was sorry that she got a stupid freak son like me and not the perfect daughter she had wanted. 

About all the nights I had spent with a box cutter I kept stowed away under my pillow in my hand, contemplating whether to just end it there and then. About how I had stopped eating, not only because I never felt hungry anymore but because I thought it might help me die faster. 

About all the birthdays, school plays, milestones, and holidays she had missed while working. About how I wished she was at home more. About how I missed spending time with her, about how I didn’t need a dad—I just missed being part of a family.

To my surprise, she listened silently without interrupting once, even when I confessed to her through thick tears in the voice of a sinner that I thought I might be gay. Instead of the disownment that I thought was sure to come, for the first time since as long as I could remember, she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me back.

I fell asleep that night crying while being rocked in her arms: back and forth, back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're so close to the end now!  
> A huge thank you to those who have read up until now :))))

**May 20, 2019**

Things changed after that. For the first time in her life, my mother took a whole week off of work just to be with me.

She sat me down and told me about how hard she had taken it when my father had left us. How she had thrown herself into work, to distract herself and to avoid the pitiful looks she would get from her old friends and family members. She cried while telling me this, asking me to forgive her for neglecting her duties as a mother. I cried with her, and we held one another tightly.

It wasn’t the first time she had promised me that she be at home more, but it was the first time I believed her. As for my professed attraction to men, she told me that she was born in a generation with different values, and it would take time for her to understand or accept the fact that her own son was gay. But she said she would try, and I felt grateful for that.

My mother took me for a psychological evaluation, and I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Now, once a week, instead of piano lessons I go see a therapist. I’m not sure if they can help me, but it was a relief just to have someone tell me that this invisible force that has dragged me down time and time again has a name and that there’s a reason for the way that I am.

My therapist also said that emptiness, hopelessness, loss of appetite, anger and irritability, irregular sleep patterns, difficulty concentrating, and feelings of worthlessness are all common symptoms for patients with depression. When I heard that, I teared up; I was so relieved to know that I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. I wasn’t alone.

It filled me with a sentiment, this gut feeling that everything really was going to be ok.

 

**May 21, 2019**

I went back to visit Lucas again in the hospital today, but they told me he wasn’t there. He had been relocated to another hospital.

I wonder how he's doing. I think about him a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who made it this far!

**June 13, 2019**

Today was the last day of school.

I said goodbye to Lucy, who became my lunch buddy for the rest of the year. Her family is moving away over the summer, but she promised to keep in touch.

I was holding out hope until the end that Lucas would return, but he never did.

I was told the other day by the teacher, who really did have good intentions all along, that Lucas’s father lost custody and was placed on parole for child abuse and neglect, and that one of his uncles in China took legal guardianship of him.

I know he’ll do well there because he’s Lucas, but at the same time, I wish that I could’ve seen him one last time before he left.

More than anything, I wish I could’ve let him know how much he meant to me.

I wish he could’ve known how much I liked him, how many times a day I thought about kissing him, being with him, spending my life besides him. That the space he occupied in my heart was so big that now it feels like there’s this gaping hole that can’t be filled by anything else. That for the brief period of time we got to spend together, he was my everything.

I want to tell him I’m sorry, too, for not noticing his pain sooner. For being so wrapped up in my own suffering and misery that I chose to ignore that he was struggling too. For being another person he had to take care of, rather than the friend that he needed.

But I think if I ever saw him again, I would start by thanking him. 

He was the boy who taught me how to live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaand that's the end! A huge thank you to everyone who's read this far, and a gigantic hug for Jungwoo (he's been through a lot)  
> This was my first work on AO3, and your comments and kudos really kept me motivated! Sending love to you all <33333333

**September 15, 2019**

I still fall into slumps. But now I have Doyoung, my friend at school who shows me cute videos of rabbits he has saved on his phone to cheer me up, and my mother, who asks how I’m doing over our scheduled Thursday dinner together. And my therapist, who laughs at all my jokes even when they’re not funny.

It’s like I’m still trapped in the same old prison of my mind, but now I know that these handcuffs are malleable, that they can be broken with new thought patterns and experiences. That if I so choose, I can walk out of these four walls before I’m thrown back in again. And that fills me with a little flicker of hope: it flickers and flickers, but it won't go out.

 

**October 31, 2019**

Happy Halloween.

I didn’t dress up, but I stayed at home and handed out candy.

One kid asked me if I was an angel. I told him he was a little off, but he just shrugged and said, “You look like one to me,” and took a big bite out of his chocolate.

I think Lucas would’ve liked him.

I wish he was here.

 

**December 25, 2019**

Merry Christmas.

I want to die sometimes.

But most of the time, I really, really want to live.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out-  
> [List Of International Suicide Hotlines](https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)  
> [National Child Abuse Hotline](http://www.childhelp.org/hotline//)
> 
> {i might write an epilogue if anyone wants it}


	27. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hA you thought that was the end  
> (i did too) (it wasn't) (i couldn't leave them all sad ok jungwoo deserves better)

**December 25, 2022**

Dear Jungwoo,

I’m writing this letter knowing full well I’ll never work up the courage to actually send it to you. I’ve written it over and over again, only to crumple it up in a ball and toss it because I never had any idea what to say.

But now I have something: Merry Christmas, Jungwoo. It’s been 3 years since we lost contact, but I still catch myself thinking about you a lot.

I guess I should start by saying how I’ve been. I’ve been doing just fine—for the most part.

If I’m being honest, adjusting to life in China has been kind of hard. I’m an outsider wherever I go, but here it’s different. Harsher, almost, like my accent is a crime. I’ve made some friends over the years, though: they all like that one boy group I like, NCT Dream.

And it turns out that my uncle is a pretty chill dude, and it’s been nice living with him. My dad...well, you already know what kind of man he was. But among all the ways he wronged me, I think cutting me off from all my family members takes the cake.

I have cousins, Jungwoo, cousins I never knew existed! And they’re all so nice to me, and call me _gege_ even though I basically intruded in on their home. 

My aunt’s rarely here, always off on business trips, but when she does come home she cooks me lots of delicious things and pinches my cheeks. She and my uncle, they’re different from my father and my late mother, god bless her soul. They look happy together, and tell each other “I love you” when they see each other off at the airport. And my uncle’s only too happy to stay at home and look after the kids, and he buys my aunt roses whenever she lands back in China.

I thought I was all alone, Jungwoo, but I’m not. Not anymore.

And I guess that’s why I was attracted to you all those years ago: I saw you sitting by yourself, and my heart recognized another lonely soul and urged me to go to you. So I did, and you took away the edge for a while. You made the loneliness feel less overwhelming, suffocating, and more manageable, comfortable even. I wanted to tell you that.

Knowing your personality, you’re probably still blaming yourself for what happened to me, but if nothing else I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault.

We were both so young, Jungwoo, and went through things neither of us at that age should have gone through. We both knew and saw the other person’s suffering, but both of us chose to pretend like we didn’t.

And I don’t blame you, not the slightest bit. Because I know how much courage it took for you to open yourself up to me in the first place, let me into your space. And I want to thank you for making an effort, even if you don’t think it was enough, to try and look after me too.

I used to be angry about it all, how everyone else seemed to have perfect families and I was stuck with a violent father who came home at midnight smelling like alcohol and perfume. I was jealous of all the kids who got to grow up under the care of a mother, and at first, I envied you too, a little bit, just because you had a mother and I didn’t. Now I know how stupid that was.

And I’m not angry, anymore, nor resentful in the slightest. I know that I’m loved, and it doesn’t make an ounce of difference whether that love comes from a direct family member or not. I am who I am today in spite of my father, and not because of him. I may be a product of my environment, but I won’t let that hold me back from returning all the love that I’m being given now in full.

So you don’t have to worry about me. I’m doing just fine for myself, truly.

I want to ask how you’re doing, too, but I’m scared.

I have a confession to make. When I first arrived in China, I called up your number from a phone booth, only to chicken out at the sound of your voice going “Hello? Who is this?” and hang up.

All these years, and I still remember it. I used to look up your family in the phonebook, trace over your number with my finger and commit it to memory. It became something of a comfort to me, and I still find myself reciting it in my head sometimes, whenever I feel nervous.

I dialed it back up a couple weeks ago, but it turns out the number’s been deactivated.

I have another confession to make. I knew you liked me, back when we were in school together. And not in a friend-to-friend way, either, but in the same way Lucy liked me. I played it off, though, because I had no idea how to reciprocate your feelings. I’m sorry. 

And I think the reason I memorized your number had something to do with that. In the back of my mind, I always wanted to call you up and ask you if you wanted to go see a movie sometime, but I could never work up the nerve, the hesitative fluttering always choking me at the last minute. I had no clue what any of it meant back then, but now I realize that it probably meant that I liked you back. Back then, I didn’t know that two boys could even like each other like that.

It’s strange. I thought you liking me was perfectly natural, but I couldn’t even fathom accepting that I felt the same way. I thought if I liked another boy back, then it was proof that there was something seriously wrong with me, just like my father said. I couldn’t forgive myself for that.

Maybe in another universe, we could have been happy with one another, without having to endure the judgement of others. If we get to meet again, in another lifetime, I promise that I’ll give you my entire heart then.  


…  


Screw it. I’m tired of waiting for destiny to pave the way. I’m making my own destiny, now.

I feel like doing something crazy, so I will. I’m sending you this letter, and whether you still live in your old house or not, if you feel the same way, or you’ve already forgotten about me. I need to know that I tried.

This letter isn’t written the way it sounded in my head, and there’s a lot of things I still want to say. But it’s the truth, and nothing but the truth, and I want you to know that.

If you ever do read this letter, you can burn it if you want, pretend you never saw it. I’ll take your silence to mean that I should move on too. But if by any chance you feel the same way, if you want to start over too, then write back. I’ll be here, waiting.

Signed,

Lucas

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes this is actually the end now  
> thank you all and a yeehaw to y'all
> 
> I'd like to think that Jungwoo wrote back, they met somewhere in the middle, and lived happily ever after.  
> But who knows. Their story doesn't end here. It's up to you to imagine the rest.


End file.
